Man Down, Man Down, Corpsman

So last month in the news there was a solid 3 weekends in a row where someone was stabbed and killed at the same Parramatta bus stop, it’s a large bus stop that is well lit and in the downtown section of Parramatta.  For all of you who aren’t from Sydney, Parramatta technically sits within the Sydney city limits but is roughly 26km from the Sydney CBD.  I know that doesn’t sound far but it is at least a 45 min train ride and can be a longer car ride or bus trip cause well to be blunt Sydney roads seem to be laid out by “Traffic Engineers” who planned Sydney by throwing cooked spaghetti on the floor and going with whatever design that yielded.  Zoo monkeys that throw their own faecal matter at each other have more common sense… 

Enough about the monkeys though, when they aren’t throwing their shit at you they are pretty cool, unlike any engineer I have ever met.

Back to the point.  There were 3 violent homicides at the same bus stop 3 weekends straight.  I think in one of the instances they caught the animals that were responsible.  In the other 2 cases no arrests have been made.  Usually if a law enforcement agency sees a violent hot spot developing you assign more foot and vehicle patrols to the area, but I am not here to criticize the Sydney police.  They take enough abuse from the Sydney media, most recently for taze’ing a man that was having what they said was “Adverse reaction to LSD”, yeah that dude was half naked and harassing citizens in the middle of the city.  They took heat over that? laughable…  

I know Sydney police and politicians aren’t going to stop street crime and knifings that happen on the same exact day in the same spot week in and week out, that would be way too easy…  What I think would be a suitable solution would be to park an ambulance around the block so when the inevitable stabbing happens at the same Parramatta bus stop at least this time the poor bastard will have a fighting chance of survival. 

Alternatively teaching field trauma medic courses in high school and investing in bags of “Quick Clot” that can be taped under the benches at bus stops would save plenty of lives as well.  I guess all I am asking for is level playing field… 

The Victims of a Fashion Faux Pas

Hey trends come and go, I get it, I know what’s in today will eventually be a cringe worthy moment 5-10 years from now while scrolling through a Facebook photo album.  Typically when mistakes are made we all take a moment and reflect on where things went wrong, we learn our lessons and grow as individuals and as a society. 

Unfortunately when living in an era of a fashion faux pas you really can’t tell, you are in the moment, it seems legit, and most importantly it just feels so right.  

We have all seen trends come and go

·         Bell bottom jeans - 1970’s

·         The ridiculous hair styles guys had during  the hair band craze and the heavy metal phase – 1980’s

·         Prevalent Raiders gear and gang colors in inner cities and of course affluent suburbs after NWA dropped Straight Outta Compton on us - 1988

·         The annoying  bad boy preppies with long sideburns and tall slicked back hair compliments of Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh from 90210 – 1990’s

Honestly a great friend of mine still has that style and cut.  He will remain nameless, but we went to school together, he spends his days educating and molding the future leaders of America, and for reasons of anonymity he will go by Joey Blue Eyes from Beantown.   “Joey” as he will be known for now still has the same 90210 Dylan/Brandon hybrid look which would seem ridiculously out of date today except rise of Justin Bieber has really saved him. 

 

              

  

Damn, I got side tracked making fun of my friend who will remain nameless…  For those that know me it is a favourite past time of mine!

So I have been struggling with the fashion sense since I have arrived in Sydney.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of normal people here, but would you really want me to tell you about all the normal things that happen? 

There are a few factions when it comes to Sydneysider’s fashion. 

·         There are the chicks that think the old school pre Kabbalah Madonna look is still in, you got it, teased out hair, pleather pants, the large black rimed shades with the multicolour neon arms, and of course a cheesy tank top. 

·         Then there are the Westies who typically look like the Delta Bravo meat heads that were non paid extras (that didn’t know it) in all the clubs that the Jersey Shore cast frequented.  For those who don’t know what Delta Bravo’s are, it is a nice way of saying douche bag right in front of someone as in “Take a look at this Delta Bravo right here”.

·         Worst of all is the is the starved looking adult male wearing skinny jeans, a v-neck white t-shirt, and an ill-fitting blazer all while working the Bieber cut on top, or even worse a knit hat in the summer.

Just think of this…  You are the skinny jeans wearing Delta Bravo, you are out on the piss one night (drinking heavily) and you pick up some wanna be Taylor Swift type girl, yup, the chick that wants to come across all innocent and proper and be respected in the morning, the type of girl that will tell you “I don’t normally do this on the first night” only for you to find out she is worse than the town bike your whole football team ran through in high school.  

Side-tracked again…   

So you wake up in the morning at the Taylor Swift wannabe’s house, you quickly grab you skinny jeans and your “Sea Shepherd” save the whales t-shirt and head to the first café you see as you can’t go another minute without a low fat soy latte, only to find out at the register that you are wearing the disease infested jeans of little miss innocent from last night. 

Not only are you a huge Delta Bravo, you now have to face the music and return to the scene of the crime, where you know your new best friend is taking down your full name and address off your license so she can track you down a few weeks later to skim a few hundred dollars off you with a pregnancy scare.   Trust me my man, she didn’t break her Golden  “I Never Have One Night Stands” Rule just for you…

Thanks Alex, I’ll take "Idiotic Sex and the City Questions" for $100

Why is it that every Australian girl between the age 18 and 45 feels compelled to ask me questions about “Sex and the City”? 

·         Is New York really like that

·         Do all the chicks drink Cosmo’s at lunch

·         What is with their outfits, do you guys really dress like that

Since I moved 9,935 miles away from New York City I thought I would be sufficiently insulated from the Sex and the City nonsense which would infiltrate NYC every time a new season would come out, or even worse, a feature length movie. 

Now, Giuliani was the best mayor New York City has ever seen, he crippled the mob and replaced piles of trash on the streets with piles of tourist cash in the revitalized 42^nd street area & Times Square.

All this progress didn’t come without a price tag.  What started to unfold halfway through his tenure didn’t seem to rear its ugly head until Rudy was well out of office and Bloomberg was at the helm.  What I am referring to are the droves of foreign and domestic tourists who flock to our fair city eager get a glimpse of typical location shots the show used such as Central Park or the Chrysler Building, apparently Carrie Bradshaw had a thing for Big and he of course lived in the Chrysler Building. 

Now I spent 2-3 years working in the Chrysler Building on the 28^th and 31^st floors and didn’t run into Chris Noth once…  Guess who I did run into though, packs of girls that were mid 20’s to late 30’s from Ohio, Indiana, or Sydney (you should read that as “enter any non-relevant place in the world here…”) with cameras in hand snapping pics of the lobby and reminiscing with each other about how in season 4 episode 7 Carrie stood in this exact spot! 

What’s news to me was that a highlight for female tourist in the aforementioned demographic is the “Sex and the City” tour which is a $45 dollar drop in the bucket…  Seriously?  You know what I didn’t do when I arrived in Sydney (and still haven’t), I didn’t ask where Neo - aka Mr. Anderson hung out just because they filmed The Matrix trilogy here.  I could care less, it’s a movie.

I have run into plenty of high profile people in New York including athletes, actors and actresses.  One memory that stands out was when  I was waiting at the light to change at 42^nd and Lex, I looked to my right and noticed Harrison Ford was standing right next to me.  I did a quick double take, confirmed it was him, he caught me do that so I just gave him the simple head nod of acknowledgement.  Once the lights turned I continued on with my business and easily beat him across the street as he was hobbling around like he was still on the Regarding Henry movie set; post head shot…    

Seeing Indiana Jones right next to you is pretty cool, taking a picture of the stoop located at 238 East 72nd Street is a whole other thing all together…  Yeah yeah, that’s the real address girls; I just did your research for you and saved you $45 on the tour! 

Thank me later with a beer at the pub, I’ll be the guy with the funny accent making smug remarks about Sarah Jessica Parker and the Melbourne Cup Horse Race thats coming up next week…

Tipping

 

I hear a lot of Australians talk about how they want to travel to the US, they want to visit places like New York City, Las Vegas, LA, Miami, San Francisco, and New Orleans.  Inevitably the topic of tipping comes up and I am frequently asked about general tipping guidelines when hailing a cab or hitting up bars and restaurants.

Many Aussies have told me they stress out about the tipping culture and feel that everyone will have a hand out and the trip will cost a lot more than expected. 

Now I am usually approached about this topic by Aussie’s that have university degrees in varying fields that say they feel overwhelmed about figuring out what 10-20% of a bill would be.  Now I don’t think it takes a Fields Medal winner or Will Hunting to figure out what 10% of a bill is, honestly it’s just moving a decimal point one spot to the left…  

Real Example

Aussie:  Hey mate, what if my bill is $25.00 for lunch and a few schooners of beer, what do I do then?

Me:   Alright alright, first off Crocodile Dundee, get with the program, we serve pints in the US, leave the schooners, vegemite and boomerangs home, they won’t make it through customs.  Now let’s break out the abacus and solve this mystery, take the $25.00 move the decimal one spot to the left and there you have it, $2.50 which is a 10% tip.

Aussie:  What if the service was excellent, I have heard 20% is a generous tip for a great effort. 

Me:   Hmmm…  Do you still have that abacus in front of you?  Alright just do the math on the 10% and then double it.  Easy as… Problem solved!  Let’s hit the pub. 

 

Fact:  Sydney, Melbourne, and Perth all ranked higher than New York City on the global cost of living index released for 2012 (by about 20 spots…) 

 

Aussie’s don’t understand the bartender buy back either.  They all come back from overseas trips with stories of the best bartenders in the world; they are friendly, attentive, strong pourers, quick with drinks, and even give them free drinks!  They all love it, it made them feel special, everyone loves getting great service. 

Bottom line is the US culture rewards hard work through tipping, where the Australian culture pays their bartenders or waitress’s $20p/h with no expectation of tips and ultimately the service suffers dramatically.  There is no reward for going over and above and creating a positive customer experience.

I love Australia but I have to say it is one of the worst places when it comes down value for money and service in the food, beverage, and hospitality industries…     

 

Dude Where’s My (Bar) Car?

Recently I have been bouncing between my office in the Sydney CBD (central business district) and the northern districts office by train and have come across some serious issues that need to be addressed.  I know I know, I wrote an entire post on the trials and tribulations of Sydney transport so I am not about to go off on that same tangent on overcrowding, exorbitant costs, and lack of real air conditioning. 

After riding the rails to and from work for the last 2-3 weeks I have noticed one glaring issue with the train service in Sydney and it is completely unacceptable.  There is no Bar Car on any of the trains….  

I get it, you don’t need a cold one to make it through a 15 minute/3 stop train ride.  What I am talking about are train lines that have their furthest stops about an hour to an hour and a half away. 

 

When I asked fellow professionally dressed commuters what trains have the Bar Cars on them I got blank stares in return! 

 

I didn’t ask them to solve a long equation on the spot, there wasn’t a mention of global warming issues, and I certainly didn’t start the question off with “If a train leaves X station at 6:15pm going 45mph and another trains leaves Y station at 6:20pm going 30mph…"  you get it.  All I wanted to know is when the next train came that had a Bar Car on it, plain and simple.

So there I was on the platform with dumfounded commuters, I felt I had to explain how awesome Bar Cars are and the life changing experience of having the Choice to tackle the commute home while enjoying a drink with people who are putting in long hard days as well.

Aussies have failed to recognize the friendships and bonds that can be formed by absolute strangers that are in similar situations sharing a relaxing and communal experience.  The idea that the Aussies have a drinking culture heads and shoulders above other countries is a complete sham…  Lack of Bar Cars proves this without a doubt… 

God Bless the Metro North train service.  Anyone that has experienced the bar car knows what I am talking about!

 

Best of the Best: Famous Aussie Actors & Musicians!

I am going to assume we have all heard about the President Obama birth certificate issue, if you haven’t hear of it then you won’t be reading this post as you haven’t emerged from the rock you have been living under.

Now I am not here to rehash anything that Donald Trump and his epic hair already covered.  To be honest I could care less where Obama was born, this isn’t a political blog. 

The core issue I want to cover is based on perception.  People’s perception about where the celebrities they worship are from.  Australian’s are a proud people and are always looking to make it known when one of their own makes it big in music, movies, or TV in the United States.  Actors such as Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, and Hugh Jackman all come to mind when thinking of Aussie’s who have made it big on the silver screen.  Musicians such as Keith Urban and groups such as Men at Work, The Bee Gees, and AC/DC are ‘Aussie As’ right???  Let’s have a look. 

Mel Gibson

 

 

 

 

Australian’s love to claim recently troubled actor Mel Gibson as their own and no one really questions that he is Australian.  Actually Mel Gibson was born on January 3^rd 1956 in Peekskill NY.  The fact checkers I use let me know that Peekskill is about an hour or so north of New York City on the eastern banks of the Hudson River. 

Nicole Kidman

 

 

Despite her ridiculous marriage to the shortest Scientology guru in Hollywood is without question an Aussie.  Hell she is married Aussie Keith Urban and even stared in the 2008 hit Australia.  I hate to break the news but Nicole Kidman is as American as Barack Hussein Obama – literally…  They were both born in Honolulu, Hawaii only 6 years apart!  Nicole’s three children are also US Citizens as well. 

Keith Urban

 

 

 Let’s stay on track and talk about Keith Urban who is a country music legend.  I have to say I don’t even follow country music but I know exactly who Urban is and to be honest when his music comes on I really enjoy it!  I guess I am a closet country music lover…   If you Wikipedia Keith Urban, you will learn he is a country music singer, songwriter and guitarist whose success has mainly been in the United States, Canada, and Australia.  A little more reading will reveal that Keith Lionel Urban was born on October 26th 1967 in Whangarei, New Zealand.  Yes New Zealand, not only a backdrop for Lord of the Rings movies, it’s actually a real country, a sovereign nation.  Bottom line, Keith Urban is a Kiwi not an Aussie.  

Russell Crowe

 

 Action films are always a hit and Russell Crowe has made a great living for himself after staring in Gladiator in 2000.  Hell if he isn’t Australian I am really going to have to look into the genealogy of kangaroos and the history of the boomerang!  The Aussie’s tried to pull another fast one on the world by claiming him as their own.  Crowe was born in Wellington, New Zealand on April 7^th 1964 and his grandmother traces her lineage back to the Maori’s (New Zealand Natives) and His grandfather is from Wales.  Neither of which are Australian in any way shape or form. 

Men At Work

 

 

Is there a song more Australian then “Land Down Under”?  We all know the song and it is almost impossible not to sing along when for some strange reason it hits your radio while you are driving.  Collin Hay is a front man and lead singer for Men at Work who released Land Down Under in 1982.  Collin was born in 1953 in Kilwinning, Scotland which is about a 24 hour flight from Sydney, Australia. 

AC/DC

 

 


Malcolm and Angus Young were born in Glasgow, Scotland

The Bee Gees

 

 

 

The Bee Gees started their career in Australia but the Gibb brothers were born in England… 

Julia Gillard – Current Australian Prime Minister 

 

Remember when I brought up the birth certificate issues that have plagued the sitting President of the United States of America?  It’s a sealed deal, he was born in Hawaii but imagine letting someone run your country that wasn’t born there?  Australia’s current Prime Minister is Julia Gillard, she was admittedly born in Barry, Wales, United Kingdom in September of 1961.  She doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she isn’t Aussie born and everyone seems cool with it… 

Hugh Jackman

Aussie born (Sydney - October 12^th 1968).  He was born to English immigrant parents and three of his four siblings were born in the UK.  But fair is fair, he was born in Australia so they can rightfully claim him. 

Heath Ledger

 

I will definitely not overlook the actor that played the best Batman villain of all time, Heath Ledger was an amazing actor who was born in Perth (western Australia) in 1979 and unfortunately met his demise in 2008 after his massage therapist found him lifeless in bed and immediately rang Mary-Kate Olsen for help!  Medical emergency, call Mary-Kate Olsen?  Quick thinking and maybe giving 911 a ring might have saved this Aussie born actors life… 

My next task is to debunk the genealogy of the Kangaroo and the Koala Bear which is not really even a bear, there is no end to Aussie misconceptions!

 

 

Boardroom or Buffet?

Every Friday around 4:30pm all the people in my office start to shut down for the week and wrap up whatever loose ends they need to before the weekend starts.  Typically this work is done with a beer or glass of wine in hand.  It’s a time to reflect on a hectic week, celebrate wins, wash down loses, and catch up with other employees you don’t have a lot of business related contact with throughout a normal week. 

Around 4:45pm on Friday’s the entire office staff pour into the boardroom and hallway that lead to the boardroom and get ready for the End of Week Wrap-up meeting which is accompanied by more beer/wine and food.  The director gives an insight into business conditions overall and then there are individual team reports. 

All of what I just told you doesn’t really matter, it just sets the scene for the most ridiculous shit I have ever seen. 

Most people enjoy a beer or two, or a glass of wine or two and maybe have some chips and dip or cheese and crackers and leave it at that.  Then there are the animals in the office that think that the snack food is their dinner and just sit around the boardroom table chomping away throughout the meeting.  It got so bad last week that someone had to put up the ‘I need one minute to finish my food’ finger and then polished off their glass of wine before giving their team report.  By the way the team reports go in the same order every single week so there is no way you can get caught off guard. 

If that behaviour isn’t bad enough for you than this will be right up your alley.  Beers go pretty quick and there aren’t enough to really do any damage so we can rule the guys in the office out of this “Hypothetical” experience.  There are times when a certain few chicks in the office take it upon themselves to fucking finish every last drop of wine from every bottle on the table, while they have the bottle completely upside down letting the every last little bit of the nectar of the God’s drip into their glass they are using their off hand to pick up any last crumbs they can from the chip bowls they already cleaned out 5 minutes prior. 

Wow, pretty bad huh….  It’s not over yet.  In a last ditch effort to “Keep the party going” in the middle of the boardroom one of the pack will hop up and make a drunken zig-zag dash to the office kitchen fridge to see if there is a rogue bottle of wine hanging around just waiting to push all their blood alchohol contents higher than their college GPA’s. 

Long story short, the food, beer and wine are supposed to be there for a pick-me-up after a long week, a really nice gesture from a privately owned company for the hard work the team puts in.  It is not there to have a fucking full-on feed, it’s not your dinner!  Hell if you want to get blasted on a Friday night (I am not judging as I have been there before and will be going there again) then head to the pub and for fuck sake if you are with work mates don’t talk shop!

Who I am to judge though, one Friday meeting I was the one that brought in my very own martini glass, silver drink mixed, and proceeded to pour myself a nicely chilled and shaken Belvedere vodka martini with three olives on a toothpick, no detail was forgotten.  So maybe I am just as much of an animal as the rest of them…  Maybe I just do it in a more refined way. 

 Fuck it, that’s all I got, I am out…